02.04.2003 - 10:32 am
Last night I sat and had a mild conversation with Claudette's ex.
Then I had a conversation with my own boi. Just for fun and curiousity, I broke out one of my theories on Claude's ex and questioned boi, "Would you like to be surrounded with a bevy of women?"
There was no pause. "Yeah."
"Why?"
"Because of all the differences there. Different people and all."
"You mean, like, sexually?"
"Yeah."
I was caught somewhat off-guard by that.
"But why would you want a bevy of women for THAT? I mean...you'd just get tired, right?"
And then the killer line came forth.
"Yeah, well, I guess. Then again, I am undersexed as it is."
Undersexed? "What do you mean by that?"
"Well all I've had is masturbation in long time."
Now then, to fully understand this situation, I must fully explain it. You see, I haven't touched boi and he hasn't touched me in progressively biblical terms since sometime around the beginning of last semester.
It was a constant grope-fest then. I got felt up while trying to sleep, trying to wake up, trying to eat or get into the shower - let's just say there was lots of it and I'll leave the rest of the details from view of your poor reader eyes.
I hate being woke up in the mornings. I hate being prevented from sleeping. But what I particularly disliked was being groped while trying to watch a movie. Particularly the anime ones.
Now, back to the main topic - my frigidity.
Now there seems to have been some miscommunication as to why this actually started.
For my part, it started because I have never been in a stable relationship before. Thus, everything was vastly new to me.
It was like being thrown into the deep end of a pool and being commanded to swim. There were no steps towards intimacy - it was a flurried rush to get there, maybe on his part because of a fear I would leave...and on my part because it was so damn confusing, this sudden whoosh.
It began to feel like a command. Not something I wanted to do.
Afterall, it became rare that I got much of anything in return. As he said last night, sex has been a thing with him that was not about emotional connection - it was about a physical sensation and it didn't matter who it was with.
And I think I got wind of that when he promptly rolled over and started playing a game at one point.
And when I started thinking, 'Oh god, boi's coming down this weekend.' and knowing what would be expected of me - well, I decided to stop it. Until I got something in return, it wasn't happening.
And so it hadn't and wasn't really discussed until last night.
Now, as to boi's reasoning of why I stopped and became "frigid" towards him - my feminism courses.
"It was about the time you started taking that first course and got to talking about it to me that things just stopped."
Yes, typically defined in statistics as a 'correlation'. But you can't draw a conclusion from a mere correlation. Because a correlation never says one thing caused another.
I'll give boi credit though, I /did/ talk about the course alot. Because I found the ideals and theories attractive. They spoke a lot of truth and things I already knew but didn't know exactly how to express were littered throughout them.
But I thought they were neat theories. I thought we could /share/, have an intelligent discussion over things.
One that didn't involve him going 'yeah' and 'right' every five minutes or so.
I won't say this time period hasn't been nice. It's been nice not to feel to burden of sexual activity hanging over me. To feel like I /have/ to do it, that it's not right of me to not do it.
Much of movie/anime and game relationships lie though, I've learned that.
And I'm going to go back to it - but on my terms this time. And when I don't feel like screwing, fucking, making the two-backed beast or any of those related combinations of things, I won't have to. And I won't be doing it just to pacify others.
And that makes me happy.
~Amanda~
