01.24.2003 - 11:03 pm
Everyone now and then I feel this grand, glorious surge of love for the guy I call my boyfriend. Last weekend was one of those surges - I realized how often I was mean to him for no real reason and how important he was to me and all that blah-blah lovey dovey cute shit.
And now I can proclaim this surge is over.
See, boy has hit on this trend as of late. He'll pop on for a while, say hi to me and such and then 'BRB' and disappear till around midnight or so. I mean, the conversation we have afterwards is typically the same - I call him, he makes me listen to snippets of the game he is playing at that moment, I play songs for him...it's all good.
Yes, he has two college courses now, night classes on Monday and Wednesday. And yes, he doesn't come back from them till 10 or so. But then...I just don't get it. I mean, if there hadn't been any snow he would have been up here...I'd like to think, at least. So why doesn't he want to spend the evening talking to me?
Relationships are about compromise. When I started going with Geoff, I had a few games I sincerely liked to play - The Sims, Monopoly, Clue...but I didn't do much in the way of shooters and RPGs. Now...hell, I actually play shit I never played before in the arcades. Cause you go to an arcade with this boy, you better plan on staying a while. I still don't play many of the RPGs at home because I'm too cheap to buy a PS2 or anything else and I don't have the time to devote to any one of those games.
I know one reason I don't hear from boi until late anymore can be attributed to time he wants to spend with his friends and the like. I'm not begrudging him this. I have no right to tell him when or where he cane spend time with his friends. I am not his lord and master, no matter how hard I try to be ;)
But I know tonight is not one of those reasons. I know what he's doing, I know exactly what he's doing. He's off playing 'Grand Theft Auto Vice City' or, if he has located them, he's probably salivating to 'Wild Arms 3'.
He's not good with conversations he tells me on a constant basis. And yet, I can't help but wonder why he's not. Perhaps it's those psychologist tendencies beginning to be implanted within my tiny chunk of grey matter. It makes me wonder if he didn't become interested in the fantasy realm, the games and such, the same way I initially was drawn to fairytales, mythology and classical novels - escapism from life, from a world where we didn't matter and where we clearly knew we didn't matter.
Then again, everyone has some sort of 'escapisim', right?
I shouldn't bitch about his methods of escape. He flits from one thing to another, though, like a hyperactive child. Like he's never thoroughly satisfied with anything. It's in everything, right down to the intimate details. He can't stay focused on any one thing for too long.
It worries me sometimes. I wonder if he does it to avoid things. I wonder if he does it to avoid feeling. I wonder if he does it to keep his mind occupied, to shove down thoughts that may be there that he may be afraid of.
I wonder if he does it to trick himself into some sort of numb happiness.
Goddess knows that I can understand that.
Ok, does ANYONE know how an entry meant to express my upset over my boyfriend wandering off tonight and not talking to me turned into a debate over his happiness?
Yeah, me neither.
~Amanda~
